As the spirit thus desires the Spirit,
as no material aspirations can block its progress anymore,
we come to see the difficulties face-to-face.
As our individual consciousness wants to rush forth like a mountain stream,
it immediately feels stumbling stones in the form of hidden desires, and their harsh resistance -
it cannot suppress those desires anymore, even for a moment -
our sick individuality starts screaming, it goes round and round the frothy whirlpools of desires -
in a final wish to destroy them, to remove them.
As our mind starts moving forward, nothing goes unnoticed anymore,
including the smallest pebble that heralds its presence - simply by the resistance it offers.
Before that, we consider good and bad, merits and demerits -
as tickets to social security, family norms, and personal convenience only.
We form our character so that we may fit in the larger society,
so that the rules of politeness are not violated.
If we are successful at that, we rest in peace,
without any further hesitation;
we consider ourselves successful as far as 'character-building' is concerned.
At that moment, one day, when the soul wakes up,
when it starts looking for the Spirit in this world;
it immediately sees that mere politeness will not suffice anymore;
mere preservation of social norms will not do anymore -
the need is much larger,
the resistance much more profound.
We have cleared the road by mowing weeds in a top-down way,
they are not offering any resistance anymore to the path of Life,
they are not even visible to anybody;
and yet, their roots are all buried inside,
they have created a thick mesh by intermingling with each other,
we keep stumbling at every step in that mesh -
in all spiritual endeavors.
Even the minutest and the subtlest of roots keep locking our feet,
creating new partitions.
Then only we see difficulties that were previously unseen,
and realize how resistant they are in our path towards the Final Goal.
Then we start pushing those difficulties away with all our strength -
simply because they are difficulties -
without looking at people, without looking at any social need -
we cannot tolerate those difficulties anymore.
Because they have occupied the path -
path towards our Ultimate Union, our Highest Love -
fully, with all their cronies and followers;
because it is impossible to deceive ourselves and others anymore as to their presence;
because there is no comfort anymore in just being a "good guy" to others;
we start praying to That Pure and Divine with all our heart:
Vishvaani Duritaani Paraasuva.1
Oh Lord! Cleanse me of all my sins;
all of it, since time immemorial -
not even the slightest trace should remain anymore -
why?
Because You are Shuddham Apaapaviddham2 -
the spirit craves only for You;
only that wish is the one True Wish it has;
only that wish is its Final Wish.
Oh Lord my All-in-All!
Oh Lord Omnipresent!
That I shall receive You from all sides,
that I shall unite with You everywhere,
that I shall gain entrance into Everyone's mind,
even that amazing fortune - its idea -
does not soothe my mind anymore.
But I beseech You to grant me one favor that,
although I have not been able to manifest Your Divinity to the fullest extent,
let a single ray of Your light come through an opening in my closed door,
so that I can perceive in that light the closed darkness in the room as darkness.
I fell asleep at night after closing all doors and windows;
I slept like a log.
When the morning sun entered my room through the little openings in the closed door,
my sleeping mind suddenly received a jolt -
inert and slothful as it were -
at the fact that a serene morning has arrived outside.
Then the heat of the used bed suddenly felt intolerable;
then the stale air in the room -
stale from my own breath -
started choking me.
I could not stay in the room anymore.
Then the Gentleness, the Purity, the Sacredness of the fetterless Universe -
Its all Beauty, all Fragrance, all Notes of Music -
called me out in the open.
May You send Your Apostle of Light, Your Messenger of Salvation like that -
through one or two apertures of my hard shell if any -
just to ensure that the heat of my own bondage
and the staleness and the darkness
are not making me rest in peace anymore -
the comfortable bed is starting to burn my skin;
so that I have no recourse except crying out:
Yenaaham Naamritah Syaam
Kimaham Tena Kuryaam.3
Santiniketan
25 Agrahāyaṇa 1315
(December 10, 1908)
Bengali original: http://www.tagoreweb.in/Render/ShowContent.aspx?ct=Essays&bi=72EE92F5-BE50-4057-6E6E-0F7410664DA3&ti=72EE92F5-BE50-4907-CE6E-0F7410664DA3&ch=1